Tag Archive for sex

Penis Damage after Intensive Sex

Q. I’m 18, and I’ve been having a problem for about two months. For two weeks of vacation, I spent almost eight or nine hours a day having sex with my girlfriend. The last day of vacation, I noticed my penis was cut-up and red. For the last two months I have done nothing with it other then shower. Then I masturbated, and the same thing happened again. It hurts unbearably, and I don’t know what to do. The part of the penis that is cut up is lighter in color then the rest of it.

A. First, you should see your doctor. I commonly see young men with similar complaints, and often I find the problem is simple irritation that responds to cortisone creams.

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How Big Is Your Sexual Ornament?

According to Geoffrey Miller, author of The Mating Mind, in evolutionary terms, the mind “… makes most sense as an entertainment system designed to stimulate other brains …” (p. 155) … but what is he referring to?

Well all species develop what are called ‘sexual ornaments’ to display their fitness as a mate.  Take a peacock for example.  His elaborate display of feathers is a sexual ornament which demonstrates the health of his body and, by implication, his genes.

There are a couple of features to sexual ornaments worth mentioning.  First of all they display fitness because they invest excess resources in order to develop them.  If our male peacock was ill or unable to forage successfully, his plumage would not be so symmetrical or ornate.  He would be using all the resources he had available simply to survive.  So a sexual ornament, in evolutionary terms, demonstrates fitness over and above that which is simply needed to survive.

Second, it is usually the males who develop the most ornate sexual ornaments in order to attract the females to mate with.  In biology, the males are ‘the salesmen’ and females ‘sales resistant’.  But surely this is not true in humans? Think again.

Well according to Miller this might indeed be the case.  In fact it could be argued that the human mind itself is a sexual ornament designed simply for the seduction of a mate.  With the human mind we have the capacity to go beyond simple physical sensory appeal.  Our brains work with ideas and concepts, things that could, if developed, be used to display sexual fitness as a sexual ornament.

If you are struggling to survive you may have fewer spare resources available for the development of the intellect.  A man, who has the leisure to develop his interests, creativity and compete in a wide variety of activities, is demonstrating his excess of resources.  It is argued that such abilities and capacities can, in themselves, be seen as the human male equivalent of the peacock’s feathers.  Our minds, in other words, are there to develop and woo the opposite sex with a dazzling demonstration of competence in the higher pursuits.  Some activities perhaps, like being a pop musician, sportsman, or even stand up comedian, attract more competition from males for this reason.

So if I ask ‘how big is your sexual ornamentation’, don’t necessarily think below the belt, or size of your muscles, think of your successes in business, your profession, the arts, and even how you tell a joke or sing a song.  In evolutionary terms, the art of courtship in humans goes much further than the body beautiful.  In fact it can quickly transcend it.  Which is perhaps why good looking men develop no personality, and the best stand up comedians look like clowns?

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Pumping Iron Makes You Live Longer

I once asked a gym manager what brought his customers through the door.  His answer, “sex”, surprised me.  I had expected a more conservative response, like “to lose weight”, “train for a sport” or “recover from illness”.  He went on to say that in his experience of the industry what people want is to look good so they can attract, or keep, a good looking partner.  I suppose this sort of makes sense.  After all one of the first things many guys do when they split from their partner is head off down the gym to “get back in shape” (hear look more sexually desirable!).

The sex thing might explain why men and women often pursue different exercise regimens.  Women, on the whole, dominate aerobics classes.  These classes’ burn fat and tone muscle.  Women tend to be concerned about their weight and hip size as cues to sexual attraction.  Men, on the other hand, can usually be found pumping iron.  Because of the male hormone testosterone, which is needed to build muscle mass, men can build and shape their body more flexibly than women.  Men, often mistakenly, assume muscle size is a cue to sexual attraction (most women don’t like guys with huge muscles).

Sculpting the body beautiful may make us believe we are more desirable in the bedroom, but are there any health benefits from doing so?  Until recently, there was a disparagingly small amount of compelling evidence to suggest it did.  However, in the past few years there have been a number of studies that seem to have answered in the affirmative.

In one longitudinal study published in the BMJ (2008, vol. 337, p. 439) the researchers measured the muscle strength of 9000 American men and checked up on their health over 20 years.  The weakest 30% of the men had a death rate 30% higher than the other guys.

This doesn’t mean to say that you should avoid aerobic activity on the back of this.  One of the studies authors, Steve Blair, quoted in the New Scientist (9/1/10 p37) said “The bottom line is that both strength and aerobic fitness make independent contributions to health”.

So the message is clear:  sculpting your beautiful body will make you live longer too, but don’t forget to look after your heart and lungs … even if nobody can see them.

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Female Sexual Predators

This is the second of two posts looking at the dark underbelly of female psychology.  In the last post I looked at abusive women, particularly those with Axis II personality disorders.  In this post I look at female sexuality … and ask is it really benign?

Women are supposed to ‘give’ sex, and men are supposed to ‘get’ sex.  In the ‘getting’ men are morally represented as predatory, scheming, abusive and exploitative.  In the ‘giving’, women are represented as victims, innocent, passive and exploited by male sexuality.  The conclusion that women don’t like sex, and therefore men should be grateful for it, is a moral narrative that is so strong, it’s almost a tautology.  But is there a ‘dark underbelly’ of female sexuality?  I think there is.
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One place to start is to look at the differences between male and female sex drives.  Women have a relatively low sex drive in their teens.  As women get closer to the end of their optimum child bearing years (about 30), their sex drive starts to peak then decline again.  Women in need of children can become biologically driven to cut corners on morality in order to achieve them.

Within this lifespan overview of female sexuality is a subdivision concerning any particular sexual partner.  Women’s sex drive is higher at the onset of a new relationship, and this lasts for about six months, before dropping off considerably.  During this ‘nesting period’ women are genuinely interested in sex.  Once the relationship, (and in evolutionary terms, once their first baby) is secured, their interest in sex declines.

These facts of women’s sexual nature demonstrate that women’s sexuality is not in keeping with men’s.  From a bloke’s perspective, we peak around 17, then slowly decline over the life span.  Both are intricately connected with our capacity to reproduce.  Men and women expect different things from sex at different times in our lives and is the source of endless tensions.

Female sexual biology has more surprises in store.  Again from an evolutionary perspective, it is in the interest of a woman, and their children, to secure life long committed fathers who will resource and nurture her family.  Women tend to be attracted to men that are sensitive, stable, wealthy and slightly effeminate, at least most of the time.

This changes for women when they are at their most fertile, around ovulation.  Even though with a committed partner, women’s sexual strategy flips, to one of pursuing ‘alpha male’ types who are more dominant, physically stronger and aggressive.  The strategy ensures she has the strongest and fittest children, with a man behind the scenes to bring up the child.

One in ten men brings up a child they believe to be their own genetic offspring, but is in fact the biological heritage of another man.  In fact a survey in the Manchester Evening News (December 2008) revealed that 53% of women would lie about the paternity of their child.

What about the idea that men are promiscuous but women are not?  This is another cultural stereotype that does not meet the facts.

I have posted before about the histocompatability complex.  It is the part of our DNA vital to the immune system.  If our partners ‘smell’ right, our histocompatability complexes are different, and therefore more likely to produce offspring with a healthy immune system.

Research in the journal Animal Behaviour suggests that women with a more diverse histocompatability complex, and therefore more ‘compatible’ with a wider variety of men, are more likely to have more sexual partners.  Monogamy, or so it seems, is not ‘built in’ to women after all.  In fact for some women, promiscuity might be ‘hard wired’, and reproductively advantageous.

Moving on from socio-biology to morality, one of the most upsetting things I encounter in my work with men is helping them to come to the point that they want to finish with their current partner, only to discover that the women has ‘mysteriously’ become pregnant despite taking oral contraception.

Under the emotion of becoming a father, the man often ‘stands by’ his woman, and tries to make the relationship work.  In the 2004survey in the Manchester Evening News (December 8th), it was revealed that 32% of women would pretend to use contraception, like the pill, if they wanted to get pregnant, but their partners did not want a child.  The sooner the male contraceptive pill is marketed, the sooner we can protect ourselves from this kind of predatory behaviour.

Then what about ‘love’?  Women, after all, are more ‘tuned in to their feelings’ than men (or so the gender myth goes).  You can put biology and the morality of child bearing to one side, surely a woman marries primarily for love?  Wrong.  Again the survey in the Manchester Evening News (December 8th) revealed that 23% of women would marry just for money alone.

In reading this post, of course, you could argue against the ‘just so’ nature of the science, or the reliability of the statistics.  My point is not that this is simply ‘the truth’, clearly more research needs to be done, but to highlight that female sexuality is far from morally neutral.  Women are sometimes not only the victims of male sexuality, but men sometimes, can also be victims of female sexuality.  Women may become sexual predators for different reasons to men, but they do so none the less.

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Sex Addiction

sex addictionAs a men’s psychotherapist, I have talked more often to the media about sexual addiction than any other topic.  This is strange really because the assumption is that it is only men who become hooked on inappropriate sexual activity.  In fact 40% of sexual addicts are women. Women’s patterns of sexual addiction might be different to men’s, but they suffer in almost equal measure.  Having said that, this article is about sexual addiction in men, and if you are a man who thinks you have a problem with sex, you have come to the right place.

So what kind of sexual activity can men get hooked on?  Well the main ones are ‘dogging’ areas, where straight men and couples cruise car parks for sex, public toilets and other gay cruising areas, prostitution (both selling and buying), masturbation and internet porn.  In fact internet porn is so easy to get hooked on that it has been dubbed the ‘crack cocaine’ of sexual addiction.  As a sexual addicts pathology develops, of course, he can often find himself moving into areas of sexual interest that are even more antisocial and/or illegal.

Sexual addiction first started to come to the attention of professionals who were involved in the treatment of other addictions, such as alcohol.  It was found that if a person has an addiction to a substance, there is a high likelihood that they will also be addicted to sex.  As many as 42% of people addicted to cocaine also have a co morbid sexual addiction.  Some theorists have argued that the neural pathways associated with sexual addiction are the basis for all addictions.  Whether this can be bourn out by the facts I don’t know, but what is clear is that sexual addiction is closely linked to other forms of addiction.

The natural history of the sex addict can often be quite tragic. The man starts to chase sexual ‘highs’ often involving situations of risk.  Risky sex enhances orgasm and sets the man in a trail of activity of escalating risk.  Eventually, it’s the chase of sexual activity that starts to take up more and more of the guys time.  In turn, sexual highs become harder and harder to achieve, a situation which, paradoxically, makes the ‘hit’ of a ‘good’ orgasm all the more addictive.  As the guy spends more and more time searching for sex and sexual activity, he spends less and less time with his friends and family. Social relationships are put at risk, and the man can become socially isolated.  Like other addictions, sex addicts can lose everything, partners, children, jobs, even liberty.

So what can be done to help the sex addict?  One really good intervention is sex addicts anonymous.  This format is similar to narcotics anonymous and alcoholics anonymous based on regular self help group meetings.  Group meetings are a format that does not suit everybody.  I have had good results with clients using various cognitive behavioural techniques such as active monitoring of sexual behaviour and understanding thought processes.

One theory of sexual addiction is that ‘sexual maps’ are laid down in childhood about age 7, and it is these sexual maps that guys continue to ‘act out’ as adults.  It seems appropriate that there is some therapeutic work undertaken aimed at understanding the origin of the sexual behaviour before cbt work is started.

Like all addictions, the hardest thing for me to work with is clients ambivalence about changing their behaviour.  Men often come to me in the ‘pre-contemplation’ phase of trying to decide whether to stop or not.  The good news is that if a man really wants to change, then the approach I use is really effective.  I can’t, however, make a man want to stop.  Unfortunately, for some men, they really do need to loose everything before change seems the best option.

One final word on the matter of shame.  Many men feel ashamed of their sexual behaviour and this inhibits them from coming forward for treatment.  I really understand and respect this.  My suggestion is that men choose a therapist who is experienced at working with sexual addiction, because such a therapist will be best able to help you explore your behaviour comfortably.  If seeing someone face-to-face is too intimidating at first, consider telephone counselling as many men find this safer.

If you want to find out more about sexual addiction, either for yourself or someone else, I can really recommend Patrick Carnes book on the subject, Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction which is now in its third edition and published by Hazelden.

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Social Anxiety Often Co-morbid With Premature Ejaculation

Premature ejaculation is a difficult subject for many men, and there are many approaches to helping sufferers. Medical solutions include prescribing antidepressant drugs with a known side effect of retarding ejaculation. Physical solutions include building core stability to enhance ejaculatory control. Psychological solutions involve retraining the mind to pay attention to the dick resulting in a more mindful understanding of the sexual arousal cycle.
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What I find interesting about most of the self help books on premature ejaculation, and indeed, therapy manuals for psychotherapists, is that they invariably presume the participation of a partner to help with the therapeutic process. Given that premature ejaculation often starts in the teenage years, what I find is that many of the men I see haven’t got partners. They avoid sex, and therefore relationships, because it is too painful to face the ‘humiliation’ of coming too soon.

What I find with single men with premature ejaculation, is there is not just a problem of ejaculatory control that needs to be addressed in therapy, but also the patterns of social behaviour, thoughts and feeling that the person has built up around their lack of ejaculatory control. For some men they even meet the diagnostic criteria for social phobia for sexual situations.

For these men, helping with ejaculatory control is just the start. We also need to unlearn a lifetime of anxiety and fear around sex. At the heart of social anxiety is a fear of social humiliation. In the case of premature ejaculators, it is the humiliation of coming too soon, and the feared negative appraisal of that event by the sexual partner. The trouble is, the self help books don’t tell you how to do that. The result is that a guy can have ‘the facts’ about solving his premature ejaculation, but is too scared to put them into practice.

If you are a premature ejaculator and this all makes sense to you, why not try reading up on social phobia and apply it to your history of sexual behaviour. I can recommend Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques by Gillian Butler.

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Women Go for Smart and Generous Guys

Ever wondered what women go for in a man? Well research by Mark Prokosch and his team and reported in the Journal Evolution and Behaviour suggests that women tend to go for guys with more intelligence.

The researchers filmed guys performing a range of routine tasks then played the films back to women. Not only were the women rating the guys with higher IQ’s as more desirable, they were also pretty smart themselves at rating a guys intelligence.

Maybe men should be better advised to hit the library rather than the gym, at least if they want to maximise their pulling power! But if you are not smart, there is a way round it. Evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller (Miller, 2009) argues that women also go for generous guys. It shows, so he argues, that they have plenty of resources and so are free to share. This makes them an ideal mate, making it more likely that women will shower the man with food and sex by way of encouraging a commitment.

So I guess the best advice is look smart, act generously.

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Why Do Men Engage In Risky Sex?

In this post I want to make a few remarks about men who engage in risky sex.  These won’t be evidence based remarks, more a speculative discussion based on my experience of working with men who engage in risky sex.

I guess the place to start is to give an indication of what I mean by ‘risky sex’.  I mean any kind of outdoor sex which contravenes laws of public decency.  At a relatively mundane level, there is the thrill of joining the mile high club, or sex on the beach. Where men can really get into difficulties, though, is in cruising for sex in dogging sites (for straight men) and public toilets (gay and bisexual men).  For some men, there is something about risk that enhances their sexual experience… and keeps them coming back for more.  Why is that?

I suppose along with risk comes an adrenalin rush.  For those men who cruise public places regularly, this adrenalin rush shouldn’t be underestimated.  For one thing, I suspect it is addictive in its own right.  Furthermore, it will be instrumental in bringing about a shift in mood.  This is important if guys are engaging in risky sex in order to break down the pain of ordinary living.  The risk, and the adrenalin, can make you feel ‘more alive’.

It should be remembered that for most people who cruise public places for sex, the majority of the time spent is in the cruising, and not in the sex itself.  Men can ‘chase’ sexual experiences, turning down some offers on route, always looking for the next ‘ideal experience’.  So when it comes, the excitement can be overwhelming.  What appears to be going on here is what in psychology we call a variable ratio reinforcement schedule.  What this means is that it’s a bit like gambling.  If every time you gambled you won, it wouldn’t be very exciting.  Gambling becomes exciting because you win infrequently.  It’s the same with cruising for sex.  Most of the time you draw a blank, so when it does occur, it reinforces the behaviour tenfold.

There is also the link with early sexual experiences.  For most men, discovering the pleasures of our dick was a fraught process, shrouded in clandestine fumbles under the sheets, and with always the fear of being caught by the parents.  Outdoor sex is directly analogous, just the parents are replaced by the local thugs or the police.  This may also be coupled with the declining sensitivity of men’s dicks as they get older.  As men, we are at our most virile in our late teens / early twenties.  As time passes we find it harder to get turned on.  Risky sex can remind us of when we first discovered our bodies.

I have also noticed with some men, cruising for sex fills an existential void.  It fills time.  The alternative, living a lifestyle full of friends and fun activities, is beyond them.  What the cruising does is fill time and prevents them from facing the deeper issues of social anxiety.  Of course the more time they spend cruising, the less able they become to engage in more productive activity, and it becomes a kind of viscous cycle.

I have also met some men who, paradoxically, use cruising for sex as a way of coping with anxiety.  For most of us, cruising outdoor places would make us anxious.  It does for these men too, but what they are able to do is attribute their general background anxiety to the cruising and make the plausible (but false) attribution “I’m anxious because I cruise” rather than the implausible to them  (but accurate) attribution “I suffer from chronic anxiety which I manage by cruising for risky sex”.

Before leaving this topic, there is an evolutionary perspective that can be brought to bear here.  Studies of other primates show that even though where a ‘harem’ system is in operation, with one alpha male dominating the troop, there is still a tendency for the subordinated females and males to engage in ‘risky fucking’ (and that’s a technical term!) when they feel the alpha male is distracted.  So perhaps evolution casts a long shadow across our sexual behaviour, leaving a residual desire for risky sex.  Indeed it has been shown that women are more likely to engage in risky sex on the day they ovulate, and are therefore most fertile.  But that’s a topic for another post … and probably a different blog.


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