Archive for August 18, 2011

Mothers Who Punish Fathers.

Fiona Donnison was jailed for 32 years earlier this month for the murder of her two children. Harry, aged three, and Elise, aged two, were smothered in bedding and their bodies were found in holdalls in the boot of Donnison’s car.
Fiona Donnison
Why would a mother kill her own children? From Court it appears that it was a brutal act of revenge by Donnison against the children’s father, Paul Donnison her ex-partner. Murder, of course, is a cruel and heartless act. But there are many women who punished the father of their children with lesser acts of cruelty, such as needless Court action, inflating maintenance awards, and, of course, trying to deny the father access to his children.

A relationship breakdown is a very painful time of life and emotions often run high. When a woman uses the children as a way to punish the father, men can often feel powerless. The courts can be of no help to men in these circumstances, as the presumption is that the best thing for the children is doing what the mother wants. Men can feel desperate about their plight, even suicidal.

Even if custody is arranged, some women try to punish the father by “poisoning” the children’s minds against him. This can be extremely difficult for young minds to understand. The child loves both mommy and daddy, and to hear such character assassinations can be deeply unsettling for them.

I have heard many men talk about the pain of separation from their children, and helped them to make sense of the character assassinations they have had to endure. There is no easy way to resolve this situation. For the sake of the children though, it is important not to retaliate, however much you are provoked. The children need at least one of their parents to remain steady. Simply acknowledge and reframe her behaviour as “mommy still being angry”. Let the children know how much you still love them, and that you always want to be there for them. In this way you will become a rock of stability in their chaotic world.

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Feral Britain – Challenging The Normal Natural Order?

Last night I set out for Rusholme for a drink and a curry with a mate. When we met at the pub we were turned away. The venue was shutting down in anticipation that the riots were moving in our direction. I felt profoundly disturbed. We found another pub that was remaining open. There were very few customers, but I did talk to one man who had been caught in the city centre violence unable to escape for three hours. I had heard enough. I walked home to the scene of emergency vehicles roaming the streets, lights flashing, and busloads of police officers being driven around the city.

Of course my experience is not unusual. The riots that have swept the country have caught millions in their repercussions. There is a palpable sense of unease running throughout our urban centres. The fact that government and the police are themselves behind the curve simply feeds our insecurity. We looked to authority to give a lead, and our helplessness is compounded when we see them reduced, like ourselves, to bystanders.

How should we make sense of our feelings? One way of looking at this is to understand that we construct a social world in which there is a “normal natural order”. Through our life’s experience, we form a view of how the world works. This is not just a description of the social world, it is also a moral prescription. We expect the world to work in a certain way, and hold the world morally accountable if it does not conform to our expectations.

The normal natural order permeates everything that we do. For example we expect that people die at the end of their natural lives. When an individual dies tragically young, we feel aggrieved, and struggle to make sense of the death. The death of a young person challenges the normal natural order. It is a moral dislocation of our social compass.

When it comes to rioting, I would suggest, we also have a normal natural order. Civil disorder ensues when there is political anger, and that anger is projected onto our symbols of authority, not least the police. The race riots of the 1980s, the poll tax riots, and the G8 riots all fall into this category. So does the civil unrest that is sweeping the Moslem world. Such civil unrest may be distressing for those caught up in it, but it doesn’t threaten our understanding of the kind of world we live in.

What we have experienced in feral Britain over the last few days breaks with the normal natural order. We have seen a different kind of riot. It is rioting for the sake of criminality. The rioters are focused on looting and dodge, rather than confront the authorities. It is little wonder police tactics are behind the curve.

In challenging the normal natural order, feral Britain is also deeply and profoundly disturbing. Like a young death, we are left trying to make sense of what is going on. Why do so many of our fellow citizens feel that this is an acceptable way to behave? For how long can we expect this new form of civil unrest to go on? What does this mean for the future of our society?

Disjuncts to the normal natural order are deeply unsettling. Until a new consensus emerges that makes sense of the events we are living through, we can expect to remain unsettled. But that new consensus will emerge, and when it does, our faith in the predictability of the social order will be restored. With it, our sense of security will also return. But it will take time.

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