When Separation Turns Into Retribution
Fiona Donnison was jailed for 32 years earlier this month for the murder of her two children—Harry, aged three, and Elise, aged two. They were smothered in bedding, their bodies found in holdalls in the boot of Donnison’s car. Why would a mother commit such a horrifying act? According to court reports, it was a brutal act of revenge against the children’s father, Paul Donnison, her ex-partner. Murder, of course, is an extreme and unforgivable crime. But there are subtler, more common forms of emotional cruelty where some mothers punish fathers after a breakup—through endless court battles, inflated maintenance demands, or by denying fathers access to their children.
A relationship breakdown is among the most painful experiences in adult life. Emotions run high, and when anger turns vindictive, children can become unintended victims. When a mother uses children as a weapon against their father, men often feel powerless and defeated. The legal system, biased toward maternal custody in many countries, can compound this sense of helplessness. Many fathers facing such turmoil describe emotional exhaustion, depression, and sometimes even suicidal thoughts. Studies on family separation show that men’s mental health can deteriorate rapidly under these pressures, a pattern explored further in research on fathers’ mental health.
The Hidden Cost to Children
Even when formal custody arrangements exist, emotional manipulation can continue. Some parents may “poison” the minds of children against the other parent—a phenomenon known as parental alienation. For young minds, this creates confusion and distress. The child naturally loves both parents, and being forced to choose sides can cause lasting psychological damage. According to the American Psychological Association, consistent exposure to one parent’s hostility toward the other can lead to anxiety, loyalty conflicts, and impaired emotional development.
I’ve spoken with many men who’ve endured such alienation and helped them process the pain of character attacks and estrangement. These experiences echo the emotional wounds described in anger and emotional abuse recovery, where resentment perpetuates suffering for both adults and children.
Finding Stability and Hope
There’s no easy fix for these situations. The best step, especially for the sake of the children, is not to retaliate, however tempting it may be. Children need at least one emotionally stable parent to rely on. A father’s calm presence can serve as an anchor of security amid chaos. When confronted with the other parent’s bitterness, it helps to calmly explain to the children that “Mommy is still feeling angry,” rather than countering with hostility. Expressing unconditional love and reassurance reminds children that they are safe and loved, even in divided homes.
As noted in relationship repair and communication strategies, empathy, consistency, and restraint are the keys to protecting emotional well-being—both yours and your children’s. Even when reconciliation isn’t possible, emotional steadiness can prevent a legacy of bitterness and pain.
In time, children grow to recognize who remained compassionate and steady. By choosing patience and emotional maturity, fathers can become the rock of stability their children need most.